'em whispers won't go away

No one said life is gonna be easy. It's either we keep on fighting or giving up. I'm in between, however, can't decide on which one I'm gonna do. My body wants to give up, my mind can't take it anymore. There's a part of me that wants to keep fighting, to win this battle. But the demons inside my head can't seem to stop messing around. I've always wondered why God made me this way, deep down I know that there's a reason behind it, behind my struggles. Everyone has their own test, and this is my test. 

Lately, I have been letting my emotions got over myself. The feeling of loneliness is unbearable. I know I have to stop depending on other people, stop expecting support from them. Happiness is not found, but created. Although i know i cannot find happiness in other people, I have no ability to create one. I'm too weak for that. Myself won't allow it. 

A year ago, I said that if i didn't do anything to prevent myself from drowning in my own thoughts, i will become depress. Well, guess who's suffering from depression now? I knew it was gonna get bad even more when depression comes. But who to blame? My obsessive and compulsive disorder? Can i even blame it for my downfall? Or should I blame myself for not being strong enough? 

Lord knows how much I'm struggling. I know i can no longer wish to have a normal life, but at least, I just wanna be myself again. My real self.