A Letter To Myself.

 As she walked away, she brought all the sweetness away. All the good things, went away with her. I'm left with nothing, broken to pieces. 

Please come back, please. Only now i realized how much i miss you. I need you, more than anything. I never thought i would lose you, but i lost the fight. And i lost you. I thought we were gonna go through this together. You were the strong one, the real one. I know you're tired, dissapointed and angry. Why did you go? Why did you leave me alone with my shadow? I cannot do this alone. I am entirely a different person without you. I'm completely hopeless and helpless. Trying to seek and reach out for help, but no one can help me. I used to be strong because you were here. We fought together. You're the positive one, the fighter. But what i can do now that i lost you?

I never knew how hard it is to fight alone. I thought i was fighting in my own battle, but no, you were there with me. Only now I realised that I wasn't alone before, and I'm alone now. When i wanted to give up, you were there. When i fell down on my knees, you lifted me up. Come back and let's unite again. I need you. 

Please, come back, my dear old self.

How deep it goes

I feel empty. This is not the first time, but I'm tired of feeling like this. The last appointment i had with my psychatrist was about 3 months ago, and it was good. I told her that I was getting better, life seemed to be less stressful. Lord how I wish i can go back to that time. I thought i had a better grasp of my life, but i was wrong. Staying at home has been so depressing, I stop figuring out on what i want to do in my life, and even worse, i stop caring about the people around me. I just don't know if i'm basically being ignorant, or puposely being one. Honestly, I hate depression so much. I hate my ocd so much. It hurts so bad. It's so stupid, even up until now i still wish that i can be normal.

Who am i kidding?

Really, who am i kidding? Whenever things seem to get better, they don't last. I will always fall back to the ground. It's just so deep. Whenever i see the lights, i see a glimpse of hope. But it's too high to climb out, too far to reach.

Sometimes I lost myself, 

the emptiness starts to show, 

the wind feels like a blade against my face,

I can see nothing, but sadness.

I'm a runner,

from everything that hurts,

I stumble down every time,

There's no winning in this marathon.

People say whatever they want,

I pinch myself whenever I hear,

little did they know about me, 

questions after questions are asked about me.

What a selfish person I am,

always wanted to put myself first,

thought people could understand me,

when I'm in my own battlefield.

I have no more excuse,

nothing worked out, 

I'm in the shallow of lights,

trying to reach out.

Have faith.

I've been reading my latest posts, I realized how broken I was, or still am. Geez, I'm such a toxic and negative person. To say that my mental health is improving won't be accurate, as there are ups and down. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better, but there are times when I will feel down again. It's just...inevitable, you know? But I know that's a part of life. Life is not only about sunshine and rainbow, there are also pitch black and rain. Life is like a roller-coaster. The fun and excitements, but there are also fears and tears.

How complex life of a person is, as much as we want to control our lives, it's not easy. Some people might think that they have their lives in control, but honestly, how long does it last? After all, everything is not eternal. Everything will end.

I will try my best, again and again. I don't care how many times I have to fall, I will definitely stand on my own two feet again. I cannot control my life to be the way I want it to be, but I can embrace and appreciate it. When life hits you hard, take it easy. Have faith. That's the most important thing of all.