Ok so I was reading my all posts and I cracked up. Man how immature I was before. It's frustrating but funny at the same time. Gosh, how I miss writing. There are a lot of things i want to say about. Like how tiring and boring life has been, and also how miserable I have been for the past couple of months. Wait, that's an understatement. Past couple of years, yeah more like it. 

I'm 26 now. Just like i rambled in my previous post, I'm not a big fan of adulting. It just gets harder every time, you know? With all the work stress related and quick-tempered desires, I barely managed to survive. But I did and thank God for that. The amount of patience and resilience are definitely impressive. I lowkey feel a bit proud of myself. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to get through this. Although there's not much choice for me except to keep going, I can't help but wonder how long my strength would last. It's exhausting and painful, yet endless and inevitable. Many people don't get everything they want or at least what they need. The process is too much sometimes. What process? To be able to accept things the way they are. Everyone definitely has expectations (whether reasonable or not, it entirely depends on them) and most of the time they will get disappointed at the outcome. But who to blame? If people have less expectations, the aftermaths would not be so bad. 

How to be void of expectations anyway? I mean, I believe there might be people who have zero expectations in life and they might be living the chill-est life ever, but how about the people like me who are stocked up with abundance list of expectations? Is there any way to mitigate the devastation that comes with these ungranted expectations? 

Okay I might have been using the word expectations too much right now. In my defense, my mind is totally foggy and dumb. It's more like I just want to rant everything that is running crazy inside my head. The movie Inside Out was damn spot on, there's so much of emotions inside a person's head. Yoo humans are soooo complex. 

Finally, after writing all these sappy craps, my eyes are now heavier than those 5kgs dumbbells. The meds are kicking in and I better head off to bed. 

Till next time, toodles! 

A new chapter, a new beginning.

 I used to love writing a lot. Back in the days, I used this blog as a platform for me not to only vent out my unstable emotions, but also to talk about my life. The happy moments, the exciting cafe-hopping and the pain of gaining extra weight. Speaking about weight, I'm in my heaviest, biggest, ugliest figure now. I mean, not that I haven't tried to go on a diet. It's just....eating is my hobby. What to do about it? Damn obviously, I could just stop my eating habit and eat less but sometimes (at all times) getting rid of a hobby is a pain in the ass. Ehek. 

Anyways, I've graduated already. I know I used to write here during my school times, but man, I'm an adult now. ADULTING, that is the hardest part of all. Almost 8 months ago, I broke up with my ex. I've been with him for more than 4 years. It was a tough decision. I was placed in a situation where I needed to choose between his or my happiness. And yes, I chose the former. I think of it as a sacrifice one got to do when the other partner was clearly unhappy in the relationship. I mean, I was unhappy too. So I took the first step and sacrifice my love for him. He didn't look at it this way though, he's most probably looking at it as a selfish mechanism for me to run away. But no, I didn't run away. Things were just toxic, somebody had to take the first move. And I did. 

Okay, enough about my love life (not that I have any now lol), I was supposed to do my pupillage at this one firm, but sadly, I was dismissed because I was not good enough (as I was told). After the dismissal, I went into a dark place. Surrounded by anger, pain, hatred and sadness which almost destroy every part of me. But thank God, I was already destroyed by my previous relationship so the damage was not that bad. I had to collect every single pieces of me, still collecting it though, to start a new chapter, a new beginning. 

I got a new job and pupillage placement, Alhamdulillah for everything. I learnt that rushing things only make them worse and, time is the essence of healing. Hence, I'm taking my time until I'm finally ready for a new chapter of life.   

Till then, xoxo

A Letter To Myself.

 As she walked away, she brought all the sweetness away. All the good things, went away with her. I'm left with nothing, broken to pieces. 

Please come back, please. Only now i realized how much i miss you. I need you, more than anything. I never thought i would lose you, but i lost the fight. And i lost you. I thought we were gonna go through this together. You were the strong one, the real one. I know you're tired, dissapointed and angry. Why did you go? Why did you leave me alone with my shadow? I cannot do this alone. I am entirely a different person without you. I'm completely hopeless and helpless. Trying to seek and reach out for help, but no one can help me. I used to be strong because you were here. We fought together. You're the positive one, the fighter. But what i can do now that i lost you?

I never knew how hard it is to fight alone. I thought i was fighting in my own battle, but no, you were there with me. Only now I realised that I wasn't alone before, and I'm alone now. When i wanted to give up, you were there. When i fell down on my knees, you lifted me up. Come back and let's unite again. I need you. 

Please, come back, my dear old self.

How deep it goes

I feel empty. This is not the first time, but I'm tired of feeling like this. The last appointment i had with my psychatrist was about 3 months ago, and it was good. I told her that I was getting better, life seemed to be less stressful. Lord how I wish i can go back to that time. I thought i had a better grasp of my life, but i was wrong. Staying at home has been so depressing, I stop figuring out on what i want to do in my life, and even worse, i stop caring about the people around me. I just don't know if i'm basically being ignorant, or puposely being one. Honestly, I hate depression so much. I hate my ocd so much. It hurts so bad. It's so stupid, even up until now i still wish that i can be normal.

Who am i kidding?

Really, who am i kidding? Whenever things seem to get better, they don't last. I will always fall back to the ground. It's just so deep. Whenever i see the lights, i see a glimpse of hope. But it's too high to climb out, too far to reach.